MY OCD

I thought my first post should be an introduction to my OCD.

When most people think of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder they think of someone manically cleaning, I've even heard people say 'it must me nice to have OCD and be so tidy' *rolls eyes*. This is of course one form of the disorder but there are MANY.

Mine is a form of 'relationship OCD' but I also have aspects of others like illness - constant fear that I have a terrible illness or disease and am going to die and also things absolutely needing to be a certain way - If I get a microscopic scuff on my shoe or an item of clothing I'm wearing doesn't match my nail polish it's unbearable for me and I become a nightmare to be around.

A snippet taken from www.ocduk.org which sums the bulk of my OCD up...

"Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts. Obsessional thoughts include:

• Constantly analysing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a microscope and finding fault.

• Constantly needing to seek reassurance and approval from one's partner.

• Doubts that one's partner is being faithful.

• Doubts that one may cheat on their partner"

My compulsions are internal not external, I'll go over and over conversations in my head, checking what's been said almost collecting evidence so I can try to prove the intrusive thoughts I'm having aren't true. I will repeat phrases over and over 'he's not like that he's not like that he's not like that he's not like that' to try and drown out the thoughts. Then my biggest compulsion is the constant need to seek reassurance, whether this is asking a question about the intrusive thought outright (often with no shame even when this question is completely absurd and unjustified) or I will ask little questions, bring up a subject to get reassuring snippets of information. If I can't get this directly from my boyfriend I will then turn to my best friend, asking her the same questions over and over, rephrasing it in different ways until I feel satisfied by an answer. This satisfaction never lasts long, the OCD finds a way back in with 'what ifs' and 'what about this', doubting everything.

Sometimes I feel guilty because the things I obsess about and take over my life are so minor compared to what some people go through and have to deal with, but I have to remember to not feel guilty, this is a real mental health disorder and it affects more people than you'd think.

The outcome of this cycle of obsession, intrusive thoughts and the rituals I need to go through to try and make them better is a constant state of anxiety, stress, sleepless nights and periods of depression.

Currently I'm taking Sertraline, Sertraline is an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and I am also having weekly sessions of CBT.

I'm a work in progress, but getting there...